There are moments in your life that are shaking. They leave scars. I learned a long time ago how to hide those. But, hiding them doesn't make them go away. Memories always bring fresh hurt and the old wounds throb in pain. It took years for me to let go of what I couldn't understand. I used to stare at the scars and I saw them as my weakness, my secrets, all the bad points in my life that I would choose to forget. Funny how things don't work like that. You can't forget. You can put up blocks and yet no matter how people tell you to move on, you can't without taking your life with you. The things you would like to forget...they always manage to find you on days like today. It was cold outside and this morning when I was sitting in my car waiting for it to warm up, I wanted to lock the door, climb in the back seat, and lay down and cry. As I was driving I felt so alone. I realized that I can't take passengers with me where I am going. Our life, our salvation, everything, no one else can live it for us or go through it all for us. We have to face the road blocks. When we get hit and knocked down, we can't just sit there waiting for someone to come along and pick us up. My personality has always been like that. "Get up, Nickie!" I know how easy it is to give up. My mom once said to me that I have always "lived on an island to myself." Maybe, it's true. Maybe, I am wrong. I'm willing to admit that. Yet, that was the safest route for me to go. "Don't set yourself up..." I figured if I took the most direct route to wherever I was heading, I would get through unscathed. Right.... That doesn't quite work. I think about it and I seriously think I was the most insane kid growing up. I set these goals that were so stinking high. To this day, I feel if I lower the bar, then I am failing. I was always competitive growing up. I don't know if you remember those old tests you had to take in school where you had to pass all of these physical things in PE. Well, anyway, I remember when I had to do the pull-ups on the bars and I was determined to do better than anyone else and I met that goal, no matter how hard I had to push myself. I ran the best track, the most pull-ups, I was the fastest and I got the certificates with my name on them. I'd stare at that piece of paper and cry because I hated myself. Why couldn't I just throw up my hands for once and say "the heck with it"?? I won the science fair in high-school. I didn't enjoy a single moment of all of my hard work. I would study every night for hours, memorizing every detail. I worked and worked and I wouldn't settle for anything but the best grade. When I got my award for the best project, I went home and threw it away. I didn't care. Why? I don't know. One thing my parents have grounded into my head is "don't settle." Smile. So, why am I saying all of this? The good thing is that most likely you don't know me, because you would never guess this stuff about me. But, anyway, I am at a place in my life where for the first time I have something I am reaching for and I actually WANT it. No one told me I have to win anything or not settle for whatever. I am free to go after what my heart is passionate about. I can spend countless hours concentrating on this goal and enjoy every moment, whether easy or hard. I don't need anyone to coach me forward. I'm lost in this pursuit. It overwhelms me, this desire to see what's ahead. My excitement is released every step I take forward and expanded every time I breathe. My mind is consumed with the constant realization of what I am after. My heart feels like it will completely explode from the intensity of what I feel. I want God!!! I feel so free, like for the first time I can feel my feet move with MY own will. I want His face! This building expectation of what He looks like and smells like overwhelms me to the point that I am constantly walking in this daze. He is all around me. But, there is still this fathom to cross. It keeps me wanting more and not being satisfied with what it is I already have. I dance with Him when no one else is watching and as He holds my hand I am lost in His wave of love. He showers me with flowers and He is suddenly gone, walking away and all I can smell is His fragrance. I panic and begin to run after Him, then suddenly He is there and my world is right again. I want God more than anything. I have given my whole heart to Him and He controls where I go, what I do, because where He goes and says, love overwhelms me and that's all I want to do. He sings over me songs I cannot even begin to describe. His voice is beyond anything in all creation. So, now, when I feel like I cannot get up and I want to hide, He comes and takes me away and everything seems so small compared to Him. He is my life. I pray that He will become yours.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I Want God
There are moments in your life that are shaking. They leave scars. I learned a long time ago how to hide those. But, hiding them doesn't make them go away. Memories always bring fresh hurt and the old wounds throb in pain. It took years for me to let go of what I couldn't understand. I used to stare at the scars and I saw them as my weakness, my secrets, all the bad points in my life that I would choose to forget. Funny how things don't work like that. You can't forget. You can put up blocks and yet no matter how people tell you to move on, you can't without taking your life with you. The things you would like to forget...they always manage to find you on days like today. It was cold outside and this morning when I was sitting in my car waiting for it to warm up, I wanted to lock the door, climb in the back seat, and lay down and cry. As I was driving I felt so alone. I realized that I can't take passengers with me where I am going. Our life, our salvation, everything, no one else can live it for us or go through it all for us. We have to face the road blocks. When we get hit and knocked down, we can't just sit there waiting for someone to come along and pick us up. My personality has always been like that. "Get up, Nickie!" I know how easy it is to give up. My mom once said to me that I have always "lived on an island to myself." Maybe, it's true. Maybe, I am wrong. I'm willing to admit that. Yet, that was the safest route for me to go. "Don't set yourself up..." I figured if I took the most direct route to wherever I was heading, I would get through unscathed. Right.... That doesn't quite work. I think about it and I seriously think I was the most insane kid growing up. I set these goals that were so stinking high. To this day, I feel if I lower the bar, then I am failing. I was always competitive growing up. I don't know if you remember those old tests you had to take in school where you had to pass all of these physical things in PE. Well, anyway, I remember when I had to do the pull-ups on the bars and I was determined to do better than anyone else and I met that goal, no matter how hard I had to push myself. I ran the best track, the most pull-ups, I was the fastest and I got the certificates with my name on them. I'd stare at that piece of paper and cry because I hated myself. Why couldn't I just throw up my hands for once and say "the heck with it"?? I won the science fair in high-school. I didn't enjoy a single moment of all of my hard work. I would study every night for hours, memorizing every detail. I worked and worked and I wouldn't settle for anything but the best grade. When I got my award for the best project, I went home and threw it away. I didn't care. Why? I don't know. One thing my parents have grounded into my head is "don't settle." Smile. So, why am I saying all of this? The good thing is that most likely you don't know me, because you would never guess this stuff about me. But, anyway, I am at a place in my life where for the first time I have something I am reaching for and I actually WANT it. No one told me I have to win anything or not settle for whatever. I am free to go after what my heart is passionate about. I can spend countless hours concentrating on this goal and enjoy every moment, whether easy or hard. I don't need anyone to coach me forward. I'm lost in this pursuit. It overwhelms me, this desire to see what's ahead. My excitement is released every step I take forward and expanded every time I breathe. My mind is consumed with the constant realization of what I am after. My heart feels like it will completely explode from the intensity of what I feel. I want God!!! I feel so free, like for the first time I can feel my feet move with MY own will. I want His face! This building expectation of what He looks like and smells like overwhelms me to the point that I am constantly walking in this daze. He is all around me. But, there is still this fathom to cross. It keeps me wanting more and not being satisfied with what it is I already have. I dance with Him when no one else is watching and as He holds my hand I am lost in His wave of love. He showers me with flowers and He is suddenly gone, walking away and all I can smell is His fragrance. I panic and begin to run after Him, then suddenly He is there and my world is right again. I want God more than anything. I have given my whole heart to Him and He controls where I go, what I do, because where He goes and says, love overwhelms me and that's all I want to do. He sings over me songs I cannot even begin to describe. His voice is beyond anything in all creation. So, now, when I feel like I cannot get up and I want to hide, He comes and takes me away and everything seems so small compared to Him. He is my life. I pray that He will become yours.
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1 comment:
beautiful. :)
keep writing!
n don't be surprized as im one of your regular visitors since i guess a year or so, hmm just too shying to comment with my own logins. hope you wont mind. :)
good night,
jia.
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