Heart Issues

Wow, so, I learned something huge about myself this summer. It took months for me to admit it, but when I finaly did I can't begin to explain the emotions I felt knowing how this fear I have has been in control over so many parts of my life. I've spent so many hours looking over my life like one of those boring people who stares out a window all day. Yep, that was me! Ha.
But, the hours I sat praying and asking God for answers, the one thing He said to me that I could hear the clearest was that I am "afraid of letting people in and too close." I can tell you I argued that point with Him for a long time, trying to 'convince' Him that wasn't true. Let me give you a piece of advice, don't agrue with God. Anyway, frustrated it did take me a long time before I began to see the pattern the truth of what He was saying has played throughout my life. It didn't always look like that fear blatently and outright, but I could see it. Wow, this is the first time I have ever admitted all this stuff other than to myself. But, for so long I thought that if people really knew what a nerd, romantic, and dreamer I was, they would all just laugh and turn the other way. That has been my greatest fear my whole life. Wow, to think if I had only seen this insecurity years ago, I could have avoided so much. I've brought it in with me in every relationship/friendship I have ever been in. Ironicly it took me getting into a certain relationship before I truly saw what I have been doing. Thoughts of "oh, gosh, they want to KNOW me????" "what if they hate me??" "what if they think I am the biggest loser ever???" "what if they think my dreams are rediculous and childish??" Wow. I would sit there looking at them wanting to say so much but this fear was always in the very front of my mind and I couldn't say a single word and knowing that me not speaking was tearing everything apart. To think that I would fall asleep thinking every night "what's wrong with me?" I knew that the many times the statement was made "there is something not right" it was me, but I wasn't willing to admit it, while knowing that I needed to say something, but I couldn't, I was terrified. Now, it has taken the whole thing falling apart before I was sensitive enough to listen to what God was speaking to me. It hurts every time I am reminded that it was my own fault and my own fear that crushed my heart and there is no going back.
My relationship with God has been the only way I was able to truly see any of this. I talk to Him about everything from what I wore to work that day to my biggest hopes and dreams. I walk through a park in the summer and when I see beautiful flowers I get so excited and say to Him "look!!! they are amazing!! oh, Lord, I wish flowers were here all year long." When I am on a car ride I stare out the window or close my eyes making everyone think I am sleeping, but in reality I am sitting there talking to God and thinking about how much I love Him and He loves me. All the times that I would cry and tell God over and over again "Daddy, I am so scared" He heard me. I may not have picked the circumstances that He used to show me the truth, but it was the best way because it was truly the only way. I've learned that He can use our most extreme pains and heartaches to reveal our hidden pain that doesn't feel so evident, but He can see it. I trust Him so much. Right now He is trying to teach me to just be me, because I guess He likes me *wink*.