My Nephew

There is something almost magical that happens the first time you hold a baby that you know has some of your genes in them. The first time I held my nephew this month I felt my world stop and for several minutes nothing existed but the life breathing inside of my arms. Every line, hair, and tiny baby wrinkle stole my gaze as I stared fascinated and in love with Amachai. His face was so soft that my lips continuously found their home on his cheeks and little button nose. His dimpled hands were surrounded by mine and brought to my own cheeks to hold there as I closed my tear-filled eyes. My little Amachai.

Praise

Reflect on God's goodness today and praise Him! He deserves all of it.

Heart Issues

Wow, so, I learned something huge about myself this summer. It took months for me to admit it, but when I finaly did I can't begin to explain the emotions I felt knowing how this fear I have has been in control over so many parts of my life. I've spent so many hours looking over my life like one of those boring people who stares out a window all day. Yep, that was me! Ha.
But, the hours I sat praying and asking God for answers, the one thing He said to me that I could hear the clearest was that I am "afraid of letting people in and too close." I can tell you I argued that point with Him for a long time, trying to 'convince' Him that wasn't true. Let me give you a piece of advice, don't agrue with God. Anyway, frustrated it did take me a long time before I began to see the pattern the truth of what He was saying has played throughout my life. It didn't always look like that fear blatently and outright, but I could see it. Wow, this is the first time I have ever admitted all this stuff other than to myself. But, for so long I thought that if people really knew what a nerd, romantic, and dreamer I was, they would all just laugh and turn the other way. That has been my greatest fear my whole life. Wow, to think if I had only seen this insecurity years ago, I could have avoided so much. I've brought it in with me in every relationship/friendship I have ever been in. Ironicly it took me getting into a certain relationship before I truly saw what I have been doing. Thoughts of "oh, gosh, they want to KNOW me????" "what if they hate me??" "what if they think I am the biggest loser ever???" "what if they think my dreams are rediculous and childish??" Wow. I would sit there looking at them wanting to say so much but this fear was always in the very front of my mind and I couldn't say a single word and knowing that me not speaking was tearing everything apart. To think that I would fall asleep thinking every night "what's wrong with me?" I knew that the many times the statement was made "there is something not right" it was me, but I wasn't willing to admit it, while knowing that I needed to say something, but I couldn't, I was terrified. Now, it has taken the whole thing falling apart before I was sensitive enough to listen to what God was speaking to me. It hurts every time I am reminded that it was my own fault and my own fear that crushed my heart and there is no going back.
My relationship with God has been the only way I was able to truly see any of this. I talk to Him about everything from what I wore to work that day to my biggest hopes and dreams. I walk through a park in the summer and when I see beautiful flowers I get so excited and say to Him "look!!! they are amazing!! oh, Lord, I wish flowers were here all year long." When I am on a car ride I stare out the window or close my eyes making everyone think I am sleeping, but in reality I am sitting there talking to God and thinking about how much I love Him and He loves me. All the times that I would cry and tell God over and over again "Daddy, I am so scared" He heard me. I may not have picked the circumstances that He used to show me the truth, but it was the best way because it was truly the only way. I've learned that He can use our most extreme pains and heartaches to reveal our hidden pain that doesn't feel so evident, but He can see it. I trust Him so much. Right now He is trying to teach me to just be me, because I guess He likes me *wink*.

Bridges

Sitting, thinking about all of the "what if's" and the mistakes you've made and the things you could have done better doesn't get you anywhere. You can wish you had done things differently, but wishing doesn't change what happened. The past can't be rewritten or done over. We live in the present, reaching for the future. We cross many bridges in this life and crossing them is the only way to move to another point in your life. It takes courage to cross bridges, leaving the past behind you and letting go. That first step may break your heart. Once you are half-way across you may begin to feel the pounding urge to run back. But in the end you persevere, whether it only took a few moments or many years. You take your first step on to that place that holds your future.
What lies before you may seem so overwhelmingly different, but something inside of you longs for the change. Mysteries at your feet, you take the path made for only you and you find yourself looking ahead, not straining to see behind you. You truly hope that just maybe the answers to the never-ending questions you have will be answered here. You will find the answers. You will find your dreams, prayers, joys, and hopes waiting. With every step you take, the load you carried becomes lighter and slowly you become healed and whole again. The childlike laughter that once melted hearts returns and greets the days ahead with smiles. No longer feeling so forgotten and alone, you take each day in stride and find that memories like deja vu jump up unexpectantly, but now you know what to do and the memory fades like the evening. You know in faith something greater awaits, leading you over every bridge.

Hide-And-Seek

There is something about being around children that brings out the "carefree" side to you. Yesterday, I went to a cook-out and I ended up spending most of the night running around the yard playing hide-and-seek, tag, and frisbee. I tell you what, I had a lot of fun! I totally forgot about everyone else being there and I just enjoyed being around these kids. They are just so full of life and joy and it is seriously contagious. I left smiling last night knowing that I had been "set-up" to enjoy an evening with toddlers. Go figure! No wonder Jesus said "let the little children come to me."

God's Smile

Can you smile once for me,

I want the day back in this world,

The pattern of stars in these eyes,

Bring another rainbow please,
I miss the warmer days,
Beside the edge of the waters I stand,
Remembering your face,

I will wait for sunrise, dancing sweet,

Holding secrets in my heart,

I climb the hills to find this,

The very place I fell for you,

In a time no one knows,

Walking the shores of memory,

I love a God who smiles.

One Night In The Rain

I feel cold today, the rain upon my face, all the clouds speak my name, as my heart shakes, like the whispers of the souls who were taken...can tasting the sun bring me any peace?

The dripping daisies stand lonely in the shadow of the roses covered and darkly masked like the dying paintings in the hollow halls of this mind where I run from my tears.

My bare feet are too tired to stand, so take the ground, the waves running over me, I lost my shoes somewhere back in the valley.

Maybe tomorrow will come on a brighter note, not much hope written in the sky, drops in my eyes, wash away the pain.

My arms wrapped around me, chilled from the worst of nights, this dress is soaked through.

A veil, my hair falls, hiding my world, must not let anyone see.

No one will hear me in the howling storm, they've all gone home to sleep.

Maybe I will do the same, here in the grass, wilted and lost, I can't find the road now.

Lay in the rain, so cold, I can't think.

Mayber tomorrow will be a better day, but for now I will dream.

A King's Romance

In the King's court I have been found,

Past the open doors where I laid myself down,

Into the arms of the One I give it all,

The heavens shake in this divine call.

The waters rage but cannot quench this,

The fires rise but cannot burn this,

The winds blow but cannot take this,

This is a destined romance.

Upon the alter I lay a sacrafice,

This is my heart for my life,

Consume the thing that beats for you,

This is a love that's pure and true.

Our Time

I've spent more "quiet" time with God in the past several months than I have in my entire life. Time where I just sit with Him or He comes and sits with me. I've sat out on the porch for countless hours and just felt Him there with me. He's watched me go through one emotion and to the next. He's seen me happy, sad, and completely angry. I wasn't able to find words most of the time, but He knew what was going on inside of me. I'd get so frustrated with myself that I would break down and cry and could only say "Dad!" If anyone could paint a picture of the real scene there on the porch, they would paint God and I sitting together, my hand in His as my soul bled and He silently imparted healing and strength and peace into my spirit.

The Color

I am no longer shut-eyed, I hold no great cards in this hand, For all the nights that I cried, I may never understand, There can't be flowers in blue skies, Oceans don't hold any fire, But for all the times and many tries, My spirit continues higher, I can taste suddenlies taking over, Like the shores of Eden we cannot find, I continue searching every corner, Hope cascading through this mind, Break the pattern that we make, Move past our yesterday, Though the moment feels so fake, Today was never meant for gray.

Trusting In What?

I've been spending the past couple of months teaching my jr. highers about pain, sickness, and healing. This past Sunday we talked about Job. Job seems to creep into our lessons a lot and this time we talked about what God said to Job. Expecting God to comfort him and help him, Job was pretty much blown away by who God is. God didn't give him words of comfort and give him answers, instead He asked Job more questions like "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?" and "Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?" "Tell me, if you know all this." God was pretty much moving Job's focus from himself onto God. What did Job say in reply to all that God said to him? Well, the first thing he said was "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." I believe one of the things God was trying to get across to Job is "trust Me." God is the creator of the universe! God can do anything He wants to! So, don't you think that trusting that He knows what's best and that He is working it all together for good is a wise thing to do??? Well, yeah!
One of the things I had my class do was take a sheet of paper and list out things that only God can create. Sure enough it turned out to be a difficult task, because they started naming off "products" of what God has created. They said "wood" and "diamonds." I told them that they weren't completely incorrect. I had to explain to them that wood is a product of trees and God made the trees, but God didn't say in the beginning when he created the earth "let there be wood!" Then I had to remind them that diamonds don't come in the form of a diamond, but a rock. Right away one of them said, "so, God created the rock!!!" Of course God created the rock, we produced a diamond from the rock. The things they wrote down became more and more exciting for them because they had to think about what I call the "product factor." One of the teenagers said, "we can make grapes!" I told him that we cannot and he said "but, we put the seeds in the ground!" I had to remind him again that we we don't create the seed. So, this brought a twist to the "product factor" and I had to explain what types of products were our making.
I then turned the conversation to people. I asked them the question, "so, what things does God create in people?" It took them a few minutes to understand what I was asking, but eventually they started naming off things like "organs." One person said emotions. Hehehehe! I enjoy teaching class because I don't just sit there and talk, but I challenge them to talk and to think. Well, saying "emotions" was exactly the direction I was heading in. I asked them if God created love. They said yes. I asked them if God created joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control. They all said yes as though I were trying to trick them or something (quite funny). So, I then asked them that if God created them and and their bodies, souls, spirits and so forth, that wouldn't He have also put within them love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control? They all looked at me as if I had two heads and I just laughed and had them look at Genesis. We discussed Eve. We talked about how Adam and Eve had everything they needed in Eden. Then I asked them why Eve ate of the forbidden fruit. They gave me several different answers. I said "so, did Eve giving into the temptation of Satan and what he was saying about God only tricking her and Adam show that she lacked trust in God?" They immediately had a ton to say on that and they were getting so excited that all I could do was sit there and smile. So, finaly I told them that for centuries the lack of trust in God has destroyed people and nations. We talked again about Job and his lack of trust. Then I brought the topic back to the fruit of the spirit. I asked them where God lived and the Sunday school answer was of course "in us!"
I had to explain to them that since God lived within them that they had the ability to love, to laugh with joy, to show kindess to others, and to feel peace. One of them frowned and said sadly "but, the Devil is a liar and he tries to tell me othewise." I told him "The Devil IS a liar!!! The word of God says that you can lay hands on the sick and they will be healed, raise the dead, and cast out demons!" This just brought another round of excited chatter and I sat listening to them tell each other "yeah! God created faith! I didn't create it! He's given it to me! The Devil wants to take it!" So, I asked them "what are you going to do about it?" One of the girls said "fight back!" Tears whelled up in my eyes and I said "yes, you will."
I give the class a challenge every week and this week's challenge was to not allow the Enemy to discourage them, but to remember that they can do all things through Christ. I told them that when they get frustrated this week to remember that God has given them the gift of patience but it's up to them whether they will use it, and that these gifts can become waste or great fruit in their lives. I told them that even though God has created all things and He can do whatever He wants, He has given us the right to CHOOSE. I told them to refuse to choose defeat and to trust God in whatever He asks or does and make the right choices.

Around The World

Do you ever feel like running away? To get away from the pressures, work, and people? There are days I feel like that. There are days that I wish I could just get up and leave and never stop traveling. I used to have these dreams all the time when I was sleeping. I would just decide to start walking. I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to stay in the same place anymore. I didn't have any expectations of what I would find. All I knew is that I wanted to go. I want to fly across the ocean, travel through Europe, see all of the things I have only dreamed of seeing, meet people, and do things that I have never done before. I don't have any desire to take much with me, just a suitcase. I want to travel through Egypt and see the great pyramids. I want to live with other cultures and learn their ways and languages. I don't want to feel tied back or caged in. I want to feed the poor. I want to be surrounded by African and Chinese children, giving them water, clothing them, and showing them love. I want to go sailing by Australia and dancing in Italy. I want to get dirty working to help rebuild villages and tanned from walking outside under the sun. I want to sing Jesus Loves You in an African tongue with little children in a newly built one room classroom with wood floors. I want to learn to ride horseback through the valleys of Ireland. I want to see the place where I was born in Japan and walk the same streets my parents did when I was just a baby.
Call me crazy, but I want these things. Watching a film on the broken and hurting around the world calls to my spirit. I know why I live.

Painful Preparation

"Help and Peace and Joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded.

Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason for it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful lifework you are to do.

Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way.

Success in the temporal world would not satisfy you.

Great success, in both temporal and spiritual worlds, awaits you.

I know you will see this had to be." - God Calling

Answer

ANSWER (Sarah McLachlan)

So, the reason I put this song on here is simply because I like this song. The actual video makes me laugh, because it's so odd. ;)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

From the Book: Mountains Of Spices - By Hannah Hurnard

In acceptance lieth peace,
O my heart be still;
Let thy restless worries cease
And accept His Will.
Though this test be not thy choice,
It is His therefore rejoice.


In His plan there cannot be
Aught to make thee sad:
If this is His Choice for thee,
Take it and be glad.
Make from it some lovely thing
To the glory of thy King.


Cease from sighs and murmuring,
Sing His loving grace,
This thing means thy furthering
To a wealthy place.
From thy fears He'll give release,
In acceptance lieth peace.

Riches

"Never let yourselves think 'we cannot afford this,' or 'shall never be able to do that.' Say ' the supply for it is not here yet, but it will come if we should have it. It will surely come.'

Persevere in saying that and gradually a feeling of being plentifully supplied and of being surrounded by riches will possess you. That feeling is your faith claiming My Supply, and according to your faith it shall be unto you.

But it is not the faith expressed in moments of prayer and exaltation I look for but the faith that lays immediately to rest the doubts of the day as they arise, that attacks and conquers the sense of limitation.

'Ask, and ye shall receive." - God Calling