Servant's Heart

I sat down with a missionary yesterday and he looked me straight in the eye and brought home the reality of the direction God is taking me by what he said to me. I wanted to cry when He spoke what has been on my heart. His direct questions brought home a newfound reality that there is no going back. I've given my life to God and His will, wherever that leads. He said to me with head bowed that it's hard being a missionary because you know that not everyone likes you. I felt compassion toward this servant of God who has dedicated His life to the ministry. If only we could all have a servant's heart.
Today, know that serving Christ is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give Him. He doesn't take it lightly. Live as Christ who lived to serve.

Walking in Silence

Those moments our tired feet drag the ground as we stare down in a daze and the surrounding walls seem to drain out the sun and even the moon's dim glow seems so distant and remote. Our shoulders bent from years of carried weight and the hope that once so outshown our fear seems but a memory in our clouded and confused minds. Tears aren't a comfort and our bent head shadows our face from the world around us. We forget to speak. We forget to smile or laugh. All emotion spent, we feel nothing, an empty hollow, a grave. Alone, we feel. We shut off contact and embrace our sorrow. Knowing every ounce of giving in is our mistake, but not making the effort to break through we succumb to our feeling of loss and the lack of strength. Like poison, we allow our life to be consumed by the empty, the broken. If for one moment we could catch a glimpse at the reflection of what we have become we would leave the cycle we had begun. But we continue to surround ourselves with the closing cloak of forgetting, waisting away, and letting go. All the while being watched with eyes so full of compassion, to see them would vanquish the lie we have believed. Yet, we look away, knowing the arms that wait, the heart that beats, the voice that whispers is only a breath away. We attempt to hide behind our vice, our hold to our want to forget. We push aside the past, we run past the present and we shun the future all because of a fear that won't subside. Such a bondage with talons that consume the heart and mind. Yet, we, in our humanity think that being bound by our fear in order to be safe from it will prevent that which we fear from ever being faced. In our ignorance, we cannot see the hold that which we fear has upon us. So, we continue to drag our feet and bend our heads and lose hope of ever overcoming all because we are afraid. We are afraid to look up and see the thing we fear the most. We are afraid to hope, because we are afraid that what we hope for will never be. So, we wander the same cycle, broken by our fear, wounded by our doubt, and troubled by the person we know we have become. Again, only a breath away, we know He stands. Ashamed to admit our fear and knowing that He knows, we do not speak of our worry or what our heart feels. How wrong we are to think that He does not understand, that He cannot help us. Why do we feel the need to walk alone? Yet, even then, we don't really want to walk alone. We know He walks with us and that even though we do not admit what troubles us, He will continue to walk with us. If we only would wake up and realize that He wants to be in every part of our lives! Why are we so afraid to ask Him for what we want? Why are we so afraid to tell Him what we feel? We base our expectation to His reaction to the reactions of people. We expect Him to laugh at us or shake His head or tell us to forget and let it go. But, He isn't like that. Being honest is one of the most rewarding parts of a relationship with Him. Tell Him the truth, He already knows what is going on within you, but He wants you to come to Him with it. The people around us, no matter how close they may be, do not know us the way God knows us. I have come to realize the obvious. God knows best. His guidance and will, it is what we should be seeking. Nothing is too outrageous to talk to God about.

Beautiful Memory

The salty air fills my lungs. I take in it's fragrance with old memories. Taking off my shoes, my feet touch the sand. I stand still and sigh as my toes sink within the grands. Slow steps I take to the shore so familiar. I choose a spot on the damp sand and wait for the first foaming wave to touch my feet, then my ankles. The icy cool water shocks but thrills me as I wade out into its depths, my hands touching its surface. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and dive within the wave coming towards me. Teeth chattering from the cold, I wade in farther up to my chin. Finding my balance I wade on each crest of water and stare out at the shore. So far away, yet so close. I watch children chasing seagulls, playing on the banks, and building sandcastles with their fathers. I see couples holding hands, walking, not saying words. Mothers dozing, drowzy, forgotten books resting beneath their hands. I glance up at the semi-clear sky and watch as the seagulls soar swiftly by. Their song lulling me into a state so peaceful that all I feel is the warm sun on my face. Time speeds by as I continue to swim in my favorite place. The cold gone, I am numb to the point that I even feel warm. My hair fans out around me and I watch as it floats on the water's surface. With each movement I make I smile at the way the water feels scouped against my hands each time they course back and forth. Not being able to feel the floor below, I bask in the strange sensation of being suspended in the ocean. I watch the sail boats farther out and I take in the scene they create with their beautiful white sails. I laugh with joy at the site of children waving wildly from the rocks as the boats leave the harbor. The harbor. The cages full of lobster, the tiny stores, my favorite seafood restaurants. Shouts from sailors in long rain coats as they climb around on boats and toss around long ropes and boxes. I think about the bay where I would hunt for crabs as a little girl with my little green bucket. Filling it up, I would take them proudly back to shore to show off to my great aunt and uncle, who, in my eyes, were my grandparents, and they would cover the bucket and place them in a safe place beside their camper. I would keep them for a day, letting them go when the sun began to set. From my revery I hear my name shouted from a long way off. I look and find I am being called for. I wade back to shore and emerge reluctantly from the water, glancing back at the dark waves, the sun playing off of each ripple and I sigh and walk away.

Place

I've lost myself on this broken road,
Shadows cast by the candle I hold,
I find no rest as I place my feet,
I pause and gasp at the turn I meet,
I have been in this place before,
My heart aching and old wounds soar,
Questions, why, break my will,
Continuing forward, lonely still,
My solace in the end I will find,
A distant hope fills my mind,
Grasping for a land that waits,
I ignore the semblence of repeated traits,
Undable to see the cycle I make,
Blinded by fear, I make the mistake,
I trip, fall, and lay there broken,
I remember the words once ago spoken,
I cannot take another step, not one,
Then I remember where I had begun,
I would face this road alone,
I didn't question what I had known,
Getting up is the hardest request,
All I want is peace and rest,
This urgent plee tugs at my soul,
This is my life, this is my role,
I rise to my feet wiping doubt from my face,
I carry the candle through this lonely place.
-Nicole Ellingwood

Blessed

I am so blessed. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. These past few months have tested me beyond what I thought I was capable of facing. I wouldn't have been able to get through them if I didn't have the lover of my heart, Jesus, with me every step of the way. It is wonderful to have the reassurance of His arms around me on those nights when my heart is breaking and He lets me cry healing tears until I fall asleep.
I stood in our new office last week and my heart swelled with joy because everything is so worth it when I think about where God has placed me. All I can ever remember growing up is wanting to "change the world." I think about that now and wonder if that was just a silly thought to have. I have come to realize that only Jesus can change the world and as I get to watch Him move and breathe in the land, my heart bursts with so much love for my Savior. In Him anything is truly possible. I hold to His promises and I am strengthened knowing that His words never fail. No matter what roads I face, my faith in Him won't faulter. I don't doubt Him. That is not even an issue with me.
Today, don't allow yourself to lose faith in God or doubt Him. He always comes through somehow. Most of the time He answers in ways we never expected. I am at a point in my life where I am dropping off the "complicated" and I am simply surrendering to the knowledge that my Best Friend, Lover, Healer, Savior, King, Lord, Master, God, and so much more, has never left me or forsaken me and He never will.
Yes, I am truly blessed. Thank you, Jesus!