My Grandfather

"A mustache on a cabbage head I never did see before...!" - My grandfather singing his famous song...

For the past two years I have watched my grandfather go from a healthy and strong farmer to an 80 lb. man laying in a hospital bed. Those two discriptions seem to me like two very separate people. It's extremely difficult to watch someone who could once lift a tractor not be able to feed himself because he doesn't have enough strength to lift his arms. I choose to remember the man I knew as my grandfather, the man whom everyone knew as "Junior," the man whose smile could make you laugh, whose strength measured his hard working life, and his faith that changed everyone around him. He was a man that everyone loved, because he truly loved them. He knew at least one person in every state, let alone town, and he never forgot a face.

He knew everything there was to know about farming and as a little girl he taught me how to plant a garden. He would make the rows and put the holes in the rows and he would hand me the seeds and I would willingly plant each one with care. Then he would follow me, cover up the seeds, and pour the fertilizer over the dirt. As a little girl, all I wanted to do what sit and watch the ground after we finished to see the plants come up, but he would inform me with a smile that it takes a long time for things to grow. He was right. I learned a lesson then. Things that take work, take time too.

I used to sit and watch my grandmother and grandfather talk and I would always laugh. My grandmother always had something sacrastic to say to or about my grandfather and he would either say something sarcastic back or just ignore her. He loved my grandmother so much. When she died, I watched a part of my grandfather die as well. Their story is one of heartache and trial, but one filled with love in the end that is seldom matched today. They were a match that fitted together perfectly by God.

My grandfather's funeral is in two days and my heart aches when I think about seeing him. I don't want to see him in a casket. I want to remember him as my strong grandfather who could make you laugh and who loved you dearly. I want that to be my memory of him until I get to Heaven. He will be placed side by side with my grandmother in Madison where I watched my grandmother be buried just years ago. I only cried once for my grandmother and that is all I will allow for my grandfather. He would want that and my joy knowing that He is in Heaven outways even my grief. I think about when my mom told me about his first wife, who was from the Philippines and how his daughter from that marriage developed a brain tumor. My grandfather held her as she died in his arms. To think that he had such a short time with his little girl, my aunt. I have had the priviledge of knowing him for all of these long years.

Dying isn't the end at all. It's the beginning of real life. For you who are struggling with this concept, I want you to know that I understand. It isn't easy losing people you love. But, there is an eternity that awaits each and every one of us. That eternity is what we should look too. Where will you spend eternity? My grandfather was in love with God and served Christ. I know that He is in heaven because the Bible says that no one comes to the Father but through Jesus. He gave his life to Jesus. Have you given yours to Him?

Even When You Feel It Doesn't Matter....

There are times when things feel completely hopeless. You keep trying, but you can't see any results of your work. It is discouraging, isn't it? I completely understand.

Yesterday, after Sunday morning service at my church I was standing talking with a parent of a couple of the teenagers that are in my Sunday school class. Suddenly, from no where another teenager from my class comes up to me and gives me a hug and says, "Bye, Nickie!" I wanted to cry right there! The person that gave me a hug had a really bad week. I won't go into the details, but it was a week I wouldn't wish on anyone. I had prayed before I got to class that morning that God would give me direction in how to pour into him and the rest of the class, because I knew that they all really needed some encouragement. It was like God answered my prayers when I got that hug. I could hear God say, "I'm in control."

Don't ever give up. I have a keychain attached to my work keys that's a Chinese proverb. It says that if we pour into the next generation we will receive happiness for a lifetime. For me, it is so true. I am happiest when I am in that Sunday school room.

When I started teaching three years ago, I had no clue what would happen and if I would turn out to be the worst teacher ever. But, now, I wouldn't trade a single moment. The class I have right now are an amazing group. They are so smart and even when I wonder if they really listen to what I say, they suprise me by bringing stuff up that I talked about months ago. I have so much fun with them. We can all laugh and joke around and be serious too. Every week I ask each person as they are coming in how their week has been. They never fail to tell me a story or two. They crack me up, because sometimes I am just tempted to let them teach the class because they have a story to tell for every point in the lesson that I make. They are constantly raising their hands, which is funny to me, because I will look up and see that almost everyone of them has their hands up and they want me to call on them. Some of them just get impatient and say, "This is REALLY REALLY important and it's about what you just said...." I finally have to break down and tell them to hold it until the end of class and then they can say what they need to. They always beg to spend at least 15 minutes telling me about what they have learned throughout the week and to ask me questions. I just have to laugh. I've been watching them and I am so proud of them! I watched two of them get baptised this last week and I started tearing up watching them. They are all so much fun. They have no idea what a priviledge it is to spend an hour a week teaching them.

Be encouraged today! Know that what you do DOES matter.

Line In the Sand

Have you ever been to the East Coast before??? It's like an entirely different world. I was talking to a friend the other day and as we were talking I realized that there is this huge difference spiritually between the East Coast and the Midwest. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but when I lived on the East Coast, faith was just something people talked about at church. Christianity was on everyone's list of who they are, but, you couldn't see the difference between a Christian and someone who wasn't. Here, in Indiana, there is this distinct line being formed. You either serve God or you don't and it's totally obvious either way who is who. I believe that we are in a time when it isn't good enough just to "call" ourselves Christians. We have to live it and breathe it and everyone should see it in us. If we can blend in, we have missed the entire point. Jesus and his disciples did not blend in. They stuck out! Everyone knew who Jesus was when he walked through the streets. People knew who his followers were. There was a distinct line in the sand, so to speak. In the first years of Christianity people who were Christians would draw a symbol of a fish in the sand to identify themselves as a Christian. Only Christians knew this secret symbol. It wasn't safe to just say outright "I am a Christian," so, it was like a code language when finding other Christians. Is that how we are living today? Draw a symbol in the sand, because we are still living in fear? The persecution of Christians is not fake, it really happens all over the world. They have to hide their faith and meet hidden away where no one can see them so that they won't be beaten or worse, killed. We are a lot safer living in America. I think we owe it to the LORD to make sure people know us instead of us hiding who we are. The world doesn't need another secret society. The real Christians need to shake off the fear of man. There have been countless times when I have met people who only talk about their Christian faith when they are around other Christians, otherwise it's hidden like they have a secret life. We shouldn't be a Peter, who denied who he was. What is there to lose? Everything. What is there to gain? Everything and more.

HELD

Natalie Grant - Held

More music video codes at Get Music Video Codes

I Want God

There are moments in your life that are shaking. They leave scars. I learned a long time ago how to hide those. But, hiding them doesn't make them go away. Memories always bring fresh hurt and the old wounds throb in pain. It took years for me to let go of what I couldn't understand. I used to stare at the scars and I saw them as my weakness, my secrets, all the bad points in my life that I would choose to forget. Funny how things don't work like that. You can't forget. You can put up blocks and yet no matter how people tell you to move on, you can't without taking your life with you. The things you would like to forget...they always manage to find you on days like today. It was cold outside and this morning when I was sitting in my car waiting for it to warm up, I wanted to lock the door, climb in the back seat, and lay down and cry. As I was driving I felt so alone. I realized that I can't take passengers with me where I am going. Our life, our salvation, everything, no one else can live it for us or go through it all for us. We have to face the road blocks. When we get hit and knocked down, we can't just sit there waiting for someone to come along and pick us up. My personality has always been like that. "Get up, Nickie!" I know how easy it is to give up. My mom once said to me that I have always "lived on an island to myself." Maybe, it's true. Maybe, I am wrong. I'm willing to admit that. Yet, that was the safest route for me to go. "Don't set yourself up..." I figured if I took the most direct route to wherever I was heading, I would get through unscathed. Right.... That doesn't quite work. I think about it and I seriously think I was the most insane kid growing up. I set these goals that were so stinking high. To this day, I feel if I lower the bar, then I am failing. I was always competitive growing up. I don't know if you remember those old tests you had to take in school where you had to pass all of these physical things in PE. Well, anyway, I remember when I had to do the pull-ups on the bars and I was determined to do better than anyone else and I met that goal, no matter how hard I had to push myself. I ran the best track, the most pull-ups, I was the fastest and I got the certificates with my name on them. I'd stare at that piece of paper and cry because I hated myself. Why couldn't I just throw up my hands for once and say "the heck with it"?? I won the science fair in high-school. I didn't enjoy a single moment of all of my hard work. I would study every night for hours, memorizing every detail. I worked and worked and I wouldn't settle for anything but the best grade. When I got my award for the best project, I went home and threw it away. I didn't care. Why? I don't know. One thing my parents have grounded into my head is "don't settle." Smile. So, why am I saying all of this? The good thing is that most likely you don't know me, because you would never guess this stuff about me. But, anyway, I am at a place in my life where for the first time I have something I am reaching for and I actually WANT it. No one told me I have to win anything or not settle for whatever. I am free to go after what my heart is passionate about. I can spend countless hours concentrating on this goal and enjoy every moment, whether easy or hard. I don't need anyone to coach me forward. I'm lost in this pursuit. It overwhelms me, this desire to see what's ahead. My excitement is released every step I take forward and expanded every time I breathe. My mind is consumed with the constant realization of what I am after. My heart feels like it will completely explode from the intensity of what I feel. I want God!!! I feel so free, like for the first time I can feel my feet move with MY own will. I want His face! This building expectation of what He looks like and smells like overwhelms me to the point that I am constantly walking in this daze. He is all around me. But, there is still this fathom to cross. It keeps me wanting more and not being satisfied with what it is I already have. I dance with Him when no one else is watching and as He holds my hand I am lost in His wave of love. He showers me with flowers and He is suddenly gone, walking away and all I can smell is His fragrance. I panic and begin to run after Him, then suddenly He is there and my world is right again. I want God more than anything. I have given my whole heart to Him and He controls where I go, what I do, because where He goes and says, love overwhelms me and that's all I want to do. He sings over me songs I cannot even begin to describe. His voice is beyond anything in all creation. So, now, when I feel like I cannot get up and I want to hide, He comes and takes me away and everything seems so small compared to Him. He is my life. I pray that He will become yours.

Storm's Place

Your hand within this storm is seen...a sail upon this dark ship.

Hope within the rain of faith...creation's winds blow past.

Holy face seek me...find my heart crying.

Break the present darkness...erase the trace of fear.

Mighty arms encircle me...consume my shadows and breathe.

Whisper down the sun's rays...open windows let me see.

Past the breakers not anxious...free the anchor fast within.

Hold the passing waves...so I can fly on ancient wings.

To glory I go...there my love does seek.

Sweeping past the present...I hold to the unknown.

Weight of life is lifting...release your strength to me.

Free the challenge of standing...as I sit at heaven's feet.

Embrace the quiet presence...feel the peace of the Sun.

Wash me in bloods refine...carry me past the doors.

Into the throne of Father...all joy is there released.

Letting go of worries...I kiss my fathers face.

Peace surround this soul...I am freed in this place.

-Nickie-

Snack!

My dad was in a funky/funny/odd mood yesterday. He comes walking through the living room real slowly and "creepy-like" eyeing us as he made his way to our kitchen for a snack (it was funny, he reminded me of Jim Carey). I was talking in the living room to a couple of my friends about my dog, Sampson. I was saying how when I let him outside I can call his name over and over again but he refuses to come. He may glance up at me, but, he refuses to acknowledge that I am calling for him to come to me. So, I end up having to use THE word every dog loves. SNACK!!! As soon as I say that, his ears perk up and he comes running. Most of the time I don't really give him a snack, because he wouldn't listen to me, but, every so often I will, so that the word "snack" will still work if calling his name doesn't get him to come. Well, anyway, my dad overheard our conversation and goes "he's a jerk." I lost it, it was so funny. I've never heard a dog be called a jerk before.
But, anyway, I was thinking about it today. Yes, I got a lesson out of it, suprise, suprise. I was thinking about how so many times God tries to get our attention, asking us to come to Him, yet, we tend to ignore Him calling on us. We can hear Him, but just like my dog, unless He pulls out a word like "reward" we act disinterested. Wow. Is it appropriate to say "jerk-alert?" I'm serious! The definition for a jerk is someone that is rude. Well, isn't that rude to ignore God??? Hmmm, makes me really glad that God can see past my mistakes. I sure don't like being called a jerk and I am pretty sure (like 90% sure) that no one else really likes being called that. I wonder what my dog would think about being called one?

Dreams

Dreams....catch the glance of freedom's gaze. Too many hours of held and quiet space where time loses it's tick and melts within the cracks....no greater hope for yet gained by a miracle of one soul. Truly, heart cannot hear this sound....all racing tracks of destiny. Few pieces have found it's mate, one star stands alone. Little dove....peace within this mind is grasped. Forever tracing smiles and glances....picking up pictures of heaven's face.

Dreams....empty stories filled with grace. Toppled fences, walls broken down....grasp the brush of painting's place. Words abound in silence....meditate on one Father's speech. Lord whose hands withstand the break....holds the parsels of shattered waste, creates anew. Try the stands of candles light....touch the flame of sun's embrace. Eternal quests to find the end....forever searching earth's expanse. Lovely tragedy, is it so....or maybe destiny all it's own. Creating circles of what is....is He here like He was in the stillness in the sound?

Dreams....today, tomorrow, never yesterday. Future scenes graces swell....around this corner take the turn stake the claim. No fear in shadows....feathers touch the lips of those who wait who believe. Single drops of liquid glass....a lake at the feet of God. Feel the sudden change the atmosphere....rush of fragrance He is near. Taste the tastes of His romance....unleash the garments of praise. Roses, flowers, lilies wait on steps of gold....love's the path where does it go?

Dreams....at His feet there is much mercy. No flaw his hands hold....glory forms a dew on His crown like tears upon the ground. Face the master of design....creator of all as seen and heard and felt and known. Like giant angels that stand behind....their features like marbled stone. Beautiful is not enough....no word can capture what is. Eyes have not seen and stayed....those who see will die. Come alive sweet Jesus....come alive and take it all. Every part in every measure....what is this heart for?

Dreams....awaken the mystery. All surrounds the great song....all cannot hear the sound He makes. Whisper to us like wind on the water....open the ears break off their silence. Captivate the heart of man....sweep away the calloused waste of darkness. Truly holy is the only voice....only it can be expressed in this realm. Warrior one beat the drum....sound the tune you feel inside. It looses all you hold within....releasing, can you feel it taking in, letting go, breaking down, sweeping low?

Walking Through Doors

This past week, I was praying for the new year and asking God for some direction. One night He gave me a dream. In this dream I was shown a lot of things, but the one thing that has really stuck with me is the part where I saw names of people I had never seen or heard of before. Beside each name that I saw was a number. Some of the numbers were small and some were in the thousands. So, on Friday I was just praying and one of the names and numbers kept coming to me and I felt the urgency to look and see if that person's name was in the phonebook. Now there is a slim chance that person's name would be in there, but it was, along with the the number I had seen in my dream. So, I knew this was definitely not a coincidence and I started to pray some more. The LORD told me to call this person. I really didn't want to. I kept thinking that the person would think I was nuts if I just said "Hi, you don't know me, but God gave me a dream the other night with your name and number in it..." Um, a little odd? Well, anyway, it took a bit before I finally called the person. Of course, I ended up getting the answering machine. So, not only do I have no clue how this person is going to react to my message, but it would be recorded on their answering machine and of course my message consisted of a lot of "um's". Before I called, I had no idea what I was supposed to say, but God said to call and He would handle it. Well, He did. He told me what to say and I said it, then hung up the phone. I was a bit relieved to have gotten it over with but the LORD told me to call back and leave my phone number. My first thought was "this person is going to think I am nuts," but I called anyway and left my phone number for if they wanted to talk to me. Well, I went home, not really expecting a call back and you know what? I got a call back. The person called and I was too chicken to answer the phone so I sat and listened to the message they left on the answering machine. It turns out that the person is a Christian and wants to talk to me. So, I prayed again, whinned a bit to God for having to talk to the person and got rebuked for whinning. Then I prayed that if I was to talk to this person that God would give me what to say to them. So, He did. One word. Daughter. So, I am supposed to call this person and I have no clue if they even have one, but I am supposed to give them a word about a daughter??? I wanted to cry. But, the LORD gave me strength and I called the person and I had to leave another message on their answering machine and I waited to call them back or for them to call me back. I called again. They answered.

We had a really good talk and everything we said to each other was confirmation. She had been praying for God to send an "outside source" who didn't know her to encourage her, because she really needed it. She told me about her life and never mentioned anything about a daughter, but I knew I had to tell her about the word God had given me. Now, most of the time God just gives me a single word or picture and I have to step out in faith and say that word or describe that picture before He completes the rest of it. So, I had no clue what I was going to say about this "daughter". So, I said "um, I have no clue if you have a daughter or not, but God has a word for you about her..." She doesn't have a biological daughter. Instead, she is dating someone who has two daughters, one in which she has been praying hard for and asking God for wisdom. So, that was confirmation. But, anyway, I learned something this week about being obedient. If I hadn't done what God had told me to do, I would have missed the opportunity to be a source of encouragement for this woman. We all make mistakes and we aren't going to get it right all the time, but, if God gives us a word and tells us to give it, then we have to be obedient. I was so encouraged to realize the work God had done and how He chose to use me. I felt so small, but God drew me closer to Him and I am still in awe of what He can do. The woman told me that she believes in miracles and this was a miracle, not just for her, but for me. My prayer for 2006 is to see more signs, wonders, miracles, and the glory of God.

A Psalm of David. Judge me, O LORD; for I have walked in mine integrity: I have trusted also in the LORD; therefore I shall not slide.
Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart.
For thy lovingkindness is before mine eyes: and I have walked in thy truth.

Psalm 26:1-3